I Eat Blogs For Breakfast, And Right Now I'm Very Hungry!

Blogging at work is so much fun. ^____^;

I know what you're thinking: how can you seriously be blogging on the job? And after only two weeks of being hired? C'mon, AJ -- that's a recipe for disaster!

Well, I wouldn't bother blogging under normal circumstances, but when I'm guarding the front desk from the EVIL INVADERS OF DARKNESS that apparently lurk in the shadows and steal cuts of our trailers (okay, and the early versions of movies they're for), I have very little else to do than self-entertain on the computer.

I've made a goal/habit of filling a small notepad with new character designs -- one per page, front and back -- for fifty pages. The idea is, with 100 little doodads and doodettes trolling around my notebook, there should be at least a couple decent ideas among a plethora of stinkers. That's the hope, anyway. Whether this proves to be a brilliant strategy or an exercise in futility has yet to be determined, but as a concept, it's so far been pretty sweet. I'm definitely noticing a severe lack in creativity regarding body shapes, hands, and feet.

I'm also desperately searching for a character design that can be used as the general 'resident' of whatever this bushhog/wizard/bunny/clown/pirate world is. The Mushroom Kingdom has Toads; Animal Crossing has animals; the Simpsons have... well, "humans." So what default *creature* makes up the majority population in "wizard land?" It's a challenge, since the character needs to maintain the same cuteness and appeal, but be entirely adaptable to various costumes and occupations. And to that end, these characters really need to have legs and arms. Going about their daily jobs would be infinitely more complicated without limbs.

You Best Start Believing In Web Blogs, Miss Turner -- You're In One!

So, today was the Cherry Blossom Festival, and of course, I went. I came home without a new girlfriend, or even a new girl _ friend, so I suppose that counts as a complete failure on my part. However, I did immensely enjoy being there, and I even worked up the courage (EEEE! GO, AJ, GO!) to tell one of the girls from the fashion show that I thought she was very cute on stage.

Then I ran away and almost vomited, partly because I was so mortified that I had told her that, and partly because I was disgusted with myself for leaving without offering any sort of conversation besides that. Ughghhghgh, IDIOT! IDIOT! MAN, that sucked! She probably thought I was the creepiest, most awkward person of the day -- like, tell-all-your-friends awkward.

Oh well... She's a cute girl -- she probably gets awkward guys telling her all the time how adorable she is... -______-; It took me right back to high school, or junior high, or whenever I was last getting my pants scared off me by girls (that's not a pun). I don't think I've ever been so petrified before Inter-Gender Interaction, or so aghast with myself and fluttery after. All over one sweet girl at a fashion event. PITIFUL. I need to work out more... at flirting...

But the good news is, I did it. And when I was standing there, staring through people at her, weighing my options, I went, "Aw, heck," and realized I could never live with myself just walking away to find a bus stop without approaching her. I just had to throw myself overboard and make it happen.

I'm pretty sure she saw me looking at her, and probably noticed she was drawing all my attention during the show, too. But she was standing there by herself after, flipping through options on her phone, so I edged in on her for about ten scary minutes before committing to the plan and finally walking towards her... probably like an obvious beeline, but I was scared, so cut me a break.

She saw me coming and kind of looked down like she hadn't noticed, but I resolved to not back down, so I went right up to her. About the eight-feet-away mark, she looked back up and we maintained some sheepish form of eye contact, which held for about two seconds. Then I stammered my, "Hey, you were great-" mumbling, and she looked back and forth between me and the ground, kinda giggled and said thanks, and did a little curtsey.

Then I like positively RAN away, for fear some boyfriend would pop out of nowhere or some Asian beefcake would step in and hijack things, and make me look DOUBLY stupid.

It was a sad ride home (when I finally found a bus, after about two hours of walking and waiting). Such a beautiful creature seems so many levels of poise and beauty beyond me -- clumsy caucasian dork, no social life, still gets acne...

But you know what? I know I have a heart of gold, a charming wit, and a loving, loyal personality that some girl WILL be smitten with. I may not be Parappa the Rappa with gold bling and a 40k car and some sort of Golden Abs Six Pack, but just the fact that I can make that quip with a straight face (and two thousand more of them a day) should indicate something exciting and special I bring to the table. Maybe it's warmth, or care, or just the fun of the 20-second adventures I live out from sun-up to sun-down, but whatever it is that makes the AJ character, it's something other guys lack, and the right girl will find it *irresistible*.

I tend to blog depreciative comments and jokes as a presentation of humility, but I'll risk sounding brash to wrap this up on an unusually optimistic and honest note:

Even someone as precious and perfect as an adorable size-3 Japanese girl can find me a loving and rewarding partner to stand by, trust, and cherish. Somewhere deep down, I do have self-confidence, and for good reason.

Tonight We Dine On Blogs!

I've been talking a lot about the Cherry Blossom Festival lately -- that's the annual celebration of Japanese culture and heritage, and Los Angeles is something of a buzz-hub for it. This year, I've been murmuring about attending not only due to my love of all things Japan, but for the thing about Japan I arguably love most: its girls.

Of course, that makes me feel like a giant jerk, chasing skirts like way too many other wolfish guys out there. The difference, naturally, is that I'm looking for a relationship, not a one-night stand, but that doesn't really make me feel better about it. I like to imagine love is something you just stumble into blindly, and that it happens without your involvement. Trying to maneuver myself into its path feels -- well -- like cheating, and also (to an extent) slimy.

Being realistic, though, I have very little opportunity to meet girls if I'm not making an honest effort to get out and leave myself lying around places they commonly congregate. They certainly don't flock into my house, or sit in my editing space, or come by to peek over my shoulder while I'm animating. They don't tend to sit down next to you and chat at the movies, either. Nor do they really storm into church to meet you (not mine, anyway), or get hired at your workplace (in the film industry particularly -- and my company has a non-fratinization policy, anyway). And for a guy who doesn't hit the bars or the clubs or take classes or chill with the hipsters at green cafes and Starbucks... WHERE DOES A GUY MEET A GIRL NATURALLY???

So that's been on my mind. Also, this:

What is a male's "feminine side?"

I was in the kitchen today at work, and I made this realization: my life has a severe lack of "cute and cuddly." As in, I live with very little warmth. I sleep on my couch, get in my car, log onto my computer at work, punch in my time every night, grab something from the fridge and put it on the stove, and cut some video or type out a scene, and call it a night. That's a pretty lifeless, loveless day, especially to be repeated time and again.

So it got me thinking, "What am I searching for? Why do I need a girl? What can she offer than guys obviously don't?" Dirty answers aside, it seems to be that I'm missing the hugs and kisses and -- I guess -- the girliness a guy apparently needs in his life.

Guys, who are so intensely devoted to securing a "macho" and "manly" image, and shunning all things that aren't murder, vengeance, or power, apparently have a spot in their hearts -- or souls -- where we NEED that softness, that cuteness, and that comfort that women are brimming with. IS THAT THE SO-CALLED 'FEMININE SIDE,' and maybe a better question, WHY CAN'T WE ADMIT WE HAVE THAT?

A further trick to this is that (and I realize I now draw dangerously close to requiring disclaimer that the following applies perhaps solely to myself and not my entire sex) this sense not only applies to what we want to receive, but also to what we want to *give.*

--I don't want to simply have a girl who I find cute and cuddly; I want a girl who finds ME ALSO cute and cuddly, and with whom I can even behave this way.

This relates back to my prior question of having a feminine side. Here's an interesting twist (that, again, some guys may not share) -- the breakdown isn't complicated:

With other guys, I want to be the most badass of the group -- the fearsome leader that the others will admire.

I want guys to respect me.

With girls -- ready for this? -- I want to be seen as cute, disarming, and maybe even a little infantile.

I want girls to adore me.

(Boy, does that sound insecure! But then, throw in a little Darwinism, and it makes perfect sense that my mating strategy would partly compliment the evident instinctual fear women have of dominant and threatening men. So, in my favor, I'll claim my response as being an evolutionary assist-)

And in mixed company, it gets really tricky. I can't get respect from guys if I'm playing baby for girls, and I can't be cute and lovable if I'm playing tough guy for the boys (and IRL, it gets worse: I get shy around girls, and comfortable around guys, and ultimately FLIP-FLOP the two: cold and scary around girls, immature and goofy around guys!)

I realize this is not only rambly but also growing lengthy, but I think it's both interesting and vital to address. Men see images like James Bond as the apex of masculinity: cold, distant, and generally detached in all relationships. But I don't think that's really in a man's nature, so much as it's the nature of our modern "manly" definition.

My hypothesis? Maybe wanting someone cute to cuddle up to -- or to *be* cute and cuddle up to -- isn't as feminine as we generally classify it. Maybe wanting cuddle time with someone soft and adorable is a more human trait than a gender one.

Maybe a guy's "feminine side" is actually the severe and harmful lack of femininity in his life -- "femininity" that humans rely on for happiness.