Our family hosted an "afternoon" picnic at our camp for the church youth group, and I of course took part in said activity. Unfortunately, today, I've been feeling really emo about everything. Just one of those moody, lonely, pathetic-feeling days, I guess. Nothing really helps bring out the feelings of pitifulness, though, like being the weird 22-year old with no friends standing around in creepy places or looking for small teenage groups to insert yourself awkwardly into.
That's tough to endure for ten hours on a normal day. It's super tough when you're feeling miserable about your life and seem to be the only one not having an extra-freaking-terrific day.
Yeah, I know. Crummy old troll kid, raining on everyone's parade, downing everybody's fun. But I don't mind that everybody's having fun; I'm really glad to see friendships and relationships blossoming, good times all around... I'm just bitter and jealous that I'm the wretch lurking in the shadows, contemplating my sucky state of being and searching for discarded paper cups.
I guess I'm taking this into the ultra-emo territory. All ye who are easily disgusted, time to ditch the blog for greener websites.
I play like my career (filmmaking) is the most important element of my life, and that I sacrifice other things to put it first. And that's not a cover-up; I'm sincerely -- fiercely -- devoted to making movies with the passion of a thousand burning fire-ghouls from the sun (as no doubt you're aware). But, as my troubled mind wandered in the car tonight, I came upon this notion: there's a puzzle piece missing in my life, and it's got life-altering impact. I'm talking the girlfriend thing.
It may not be the same for everyone, but for me, a significant other immediately attaches to the center of the universe. Even with things that have nothing to do with her -- stuff that doesn't even keep her on your mind -- there's just a soul-cuddling warmth in knowing SOMEBODY gives a darn about you. And when you don't have that... well, the aforementioned hole in your universe, which shallows out everything else you do.
That's sort of the place I'm at now. All the merit of whatever I do feels like it's fat-free, or at least 1%. Yeah, hooray, whoo-hoo, you did it, but there's nobody standing at your sideline to really be proud of you, to claim you as her own. And without that, you're out there busting your butt and fighting for... the world? No one? Feels kinda the same.
Feels kinda like tonight.
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